Too Far From Home

Another view of Sabuk, post spring rain

Echoing my sentiments as usual, this is the title of a new book I picked up this past weekend at What the Book? in Itaewon, the mostly foreigner district in central Seoul. It was the second and last real purchase I made over the two days. As last time, I failed to shop as much as I had planned because I was too busy with things like this:

Yeouido Island Bike Path, Seoul

Suzie Q Bar, Hongdae, Seoul

I finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Certainly not a bad reread overall and lots of existential food for thought, but I gotta say: it's really all about sex. Yeah, so Tomas is this awesome persecuted doctor who is relegated to window-washing after he publishes an anti-Communist editorial. And he lives many years with Tereza and he just can't leave her and blah blah blah. But he's constantly screwing other women. Leave it to a male author to have your whole plot, dark European politics and all, revolve around a bunch of graphic erotic encounters. Not that that's a bad thing - just not the most fascinating piece I've ever read. Still, I appreciated the reflections on the pettiness of politics, the inane pity received by Czech refugees and the delicacy of intimate relationships.

Must keep reading. After finding a surprise traditional Korean restaurant in an Itaewon alley, I realized I might miss the 4 p.m. train back to Gangwon. Still, I was there so I hurriedly perused the shelves and picked out Too Far From Home, a Paul Bowles collection of stories, novel excerpts, poems, letters and travel essays. Bowles - always heard of the guy but never read him. What is he famous for? Oh, yes. In the 50s-70s, he made a destination out of Tangier, the northernmost Moroccan city. Of course, this makes me reminisce on last year's 10-day trip to Morocco . Beyond the introductions, the first thing I read was the novella that gives the book its title. After a messy divorce, a New York woman stays with her brother in an unknown Niger Valley town and she can't break free from the "too far from home" feeling. Lessons on race relations, ugly tourism and "forgiving everyone" ensue.

Grape Garden House, where I got some soil

Too far from home. Thing is, if you get the drift of this blog, I have no idea where "home" is. Can never answer the question when asked. So, in a sense, I am always too far from this elusive place, right? And I am always straining to find it, wherever I go. Actually, more so than the quest for meaning, my identity must rest on finding a place I can call home.

This is my third book in a row written by a renowned 20th century fiction writer. Murakami, Kundera and Bowles come from vastly different cultures and perspectives but there is, of course, one thing that binds them together: they are men. I actually appreciate all three of them including strong and sympathetic female characters in their work.Yet if you placed prolific womyn authors in modern Japan, or revolutionary Prague, or beautiful Morocco, I'd bet you'd get vastly different stories. If Murakami's women had the main voice, they might describe what it feels like to live in violation. If Kundera's Tereza could talk, she might feel more anger and despair over sexual harassment at work and pervasive cheating by her husband. In Too Far From Home, Bowles actually takes on Anita's character, and I wonder how the great Joyce Carol Oates - who wrote the introduction - would play that role instead.

I guess what I'm thinking is, I want to hear more female voices in fiction. Particularly travel fiction. I want to hear what it's like to have the same spirit of freedom and adventure as male travellers, but not the freedom from verbal street harassment, sexual and violent attacks or a stricter dress code. In fact, I want to hear more about what it's like to live as a part of the societies where female travellers are privileged compared to the local ones. I want to hear about how being a female-assigned person in many parts of this world is simply a battle that none of us chose but how they keep on fighting for their lives. Despite the fucked-up anti-woman legislation currently making its rounds in the States, it doesn't compare to us living as second-class citizens in so many other places, particularly Asia and Africa. So, basically, I should be less lazy and actively seek out these stories. Reading Lolita in Tehran comes to mind.

Hapjeong Station, Hongdae - I loved loading up on gear here!

Rant temporarily over. Springtime is upon us, finally, and the second Seoul weekend was an intense precursor to Sabuk's first truly warm days of the year. I was easily able to get my bike on the train Saturday morning and a daytime train ride was nicer, complete with cute Korean kids in front of me. The challenge began as soon as I got off the train. As usual, I rarely make good advance plans for solo bike trips and all I had done was take pictures of the route I found on BBBike (an awesome resource, regardless). That's right - I did not have a good printed map of Seoul. All I knew was my start point, Changyangni train station in northeast Seoul and my end point - Grape Garden House in Hongdae, southwest Seoul. And so I set off on a bit of a wild ride through the crowded streets of Seoul, on a hot and sunny afternoon. It was mostly enjoyable and I had company on two wheels, though I wouldn't choose to do it that way a second time. The parts of the city I saw were diverse and interesting, but maybe not the most attractive.

It took me way too long to get to the hostel, but once I got there I quickly made plans to ride back out, down to the Han River bike path at dusk. Make no mistake, this is prime city cycling territory - a 68-kilometer loop around the river. Most of the Seoul cyclists seem to cluster here and it's not hard to see why. I crossed the footpath at the Sogang Bridge in Mapo-gu, Hongdae area and finally had a beautiful relaxed ride. So incredibly happy to have a good pair of wheels beneath me. In general, I would say that Seoul reminds me of any big city anywhere, especially from far-away. But that's OK, because they still work hard to make it a liveable, breathable and enjoyable place.

For dinner, I managed to make the mistake of ordering the spiciest thing I've had so far in Korea,     짬뽕. Usually, I can handle it, but sometimes you just gotta laugh it off when you get something that's too much. Afterwards, I managed to get a bit lost in the Hongdae whirlwind but finally met my Houston friend's cousin at the station. I stayed out until nearly 5, in a mix of Hongdae bar hopping, taxi ride to and from a Gangnam charity masquerade party, late-night 비빔밥 and learning about the particular lives of seasoned Seoul hagwon teachers and those who have moved on to other places. For a while there, I really couldn't believe I was going back to the little mountain village with no cafe culture, no live music, no real opportunities for activism. I did "plant seeds" for a joint weekend WWOOFing adventure, though, so that will be something.

But Seoul will always be there. Sunday was beautiful as ever and I headed across the Sogang bridge proper to Yeouido for the Cherry Blossom Festival. These ubiquitous Korean & Japanese trees have yet to sprout in Sabuk, but I imagine it will be actually nicer to enjoy them without the massive crowds. I also enjoyed the path here and rode east to and across the Wonhyo bridge to get back to the city streets. I fully planned to take my bike on the subway to catch the train from Changyangni, but after following the road signs to Itaewon, chowing down, relaxing and buying a book, I realized it just wasn't possible. 

After a brief panic, coupled with the nearly summer heat, I got myself hydrated and back on the road - who knows where? The river seemed like the best option again, finally and I took a long, luxurious, fast and free golden hour ride on the bike path to the Hangyang University station, further east. I fully expected to arrive at the Eastern bus terminal in no time after this, but it turns out I had it wrong. Thankfully, the road signs pointed me to DongSeoul terminal. I passed through a nicer, more small-shoppy part of the city lined with colored latterns - in reality, I was heading back west towards the center. And so it is that, after another very full and tiring day of cycling, I was on a 7:30 bus to the Gohan terminal. Getting off in the nighttime, I felt that the bike was an extension of me, so smoothly and easily did I roll back to my house. A bit hazy and delirious. 

And this work week was hazy. Weeks pass so quickly, I can hardly believe it's almost May. I'm really missing May Day involvement and I hope to go back to Seoul for a weekend parade, if possible. This is the really important year, with a call for a global general strike, but it's on Tuesday! No way I can skip work to go to Seoul that day. And anyway, I don't know anyone directly involved there. Again, I feel split in two between the beauty and peace of my surroundings and everything I could be doing in the city. It will never go away and acceptance is part of the battle. A battle for positive change. 

My French friend who just got back from travelling South America for months messaged me today and it sure as hell made my day. Just knowing that we're still young, still staying on the road and still trying to live our lives to the fullest fills me with the utmost hope. I will never actually be "stuck" anywhere, unless I want to be, and real family and friends will always be there even if it takes 10 years to reunite. 

And yes, I still like teaching my kids. I'm liking it more and more. 

Han River path view, dusk

On the Sogang Bridge

Seoul from the Sogang Bridge

Springtime Lessons

"What if it's broken?" Korean English at Family Mart

Even on a hilltop in the middle of nowhere, you still gotta work out.

After a winter revival in the first week in April, we suddenly had a lovely warm weekend and I obviously took my new two-wheeled friend out for several spins. Korean roads are pretty well kept, even in these rural parts, and long-distance trains and buses comfortably take them on board.

Samcheok

The freedom I feel on a bicycle, especially a quality one that doesn't hurt to ride, is just about unbeatable. Paved open mountain roads around my town. Coastal roads and the beach. On Sunday night, an insane solo 20 kilometer night ride from Taebaek, the smallest city in Korea. Only in motion do I feel truly alive. (But I wouldn't do the last one again. The 2.5 km tunnel near Gohan is deafening and nearly suffocating.)

Despite my good distance endurance for cycling, Taekwando and the weight training that comes with it are beginning to seriously kick my ass. Though an active person, I've never put a high priority on physical fitness and with mirrors all around, I suddenly feel more self-conscious than ever about my body. Realizing my own weaknesses only makes me push harder. A weekly regimen of stretching, yoga, Taekwando, weights and cycling comes on top of teaching, writing, cooking, reflecting. Good for mind and soul as well.

Samcheok

And What About the Language?

Really buckling down and learning Korean would definitely help to become more connected with my new home. Certainly, when I watch the Talk to me in Korean early videos now, I feel like I've gone from zero to basic understanding in a rather short amount of time. It's a well-known fact that most native English teachers, even those who stay here several years, don't go beyond the bare bones of reading Hangeul and basic phrases to greet, order at restaurants, etc. And then there's those who go above and beyond what could be expected in just a year or two. I'm trying my best to take it one step at a time and not feel guilty that my preferred method - absorbing language through listening - is not really "studying." After all, the Asian continent, cultures and language families are a whole new world to me, even as a polyglot. And speaking a language is not the same as doing well in sports or something - it's a skill only measured by how well you can communicate.

Samcheok

"You Need to Give Them Motivation To Learn English"
After I took the initiative to ask why students weren't participating much in my conversation classes, my coteachers spoke with them and found out why. Yes, I understand the motivation thing. I'm beginning to understand that Korean students are bludgeoned by tests, tests, tests, grades, grades, grades, study, study, study all the time. So they're too tired to be self-motivated for just about anything except pop music, computer games, looks. That's not fair and a huge generalization, of course, but generalizations can be somewhat true. Anyway, they are super-competitive with each other, so speaking up in class and making a mistake means getting laughed at which is a big no-no. So I shouldn't correct their mistakes, I should just let their English level stay low - as long as they can half-communicate with me, no problem. No, that's not the right attitude, I know. I'm nowhere near the first or last EFL teacher in Korean to come face-to-face with the basic problem of teaching English in a country with an insane education system that is probably failing its kids. My job is to take it seriously by not taking it seriously. Working to make class fun. Smiling and laughing with my students even when no one feels like smiling or laughing. Not caring if they talk in Korean 75% of the time, as long as they learn something.

Identity Update

If I drink less and talk less, maybe I won't get into inane political or intellectual conversations at the wrong time and the wrong place. Maybe I won't lose friendships before they even got off the ground. Every time I socialize, I try to tell myself to work harder to make up for the mistakes I made last time. As though people are keeping a running tally of the stupid things I've said, my awkwardness, my inability to show myself in the best light. Every time I am accidentally late, or don't answer my phone, or go on too long about a serious topic, I feel that I am chipping away at something. I'm no longer the fun, positive person I'd like to be all the time. I'm that weird, moody, unrelate-able person.

So, no positive updates on changing identity as of yet. Though I have had some beautiful moments over the past few weeks. The highs and the lows could be drawn as close-together steep hills. The highs are usually tied to nature or one-on-one interactions. They lows are usually tied to a night of drinking, coupled with rambling, followed by moodiness and grogginess the next morning. But if I stop drinking, I stop going out. Dilemma.

Land Musings

In Korea, especially Gangwon province, gardening is all the rage. I don't mean young cool people into sustainability and all that jazz. The soil is so rocky in these parts and fertile land so hard to come by that people will turn just about ANY piece of land into a garden. Just in the small niche comprising our apartment complex, snack shops and the middle and high school, there are random veggie beds that are just beginning to sprout. The principal's house has a rather large section and it turns out that, for me, garden patch accessibility is too good to be true. The weather was amazing and I decided to get my hands dirty in the soil. I later learned a Korean teacher has dibs on that plot and the farmer next to my apartment also doesn't have space available. I feel bad about accidentally digging up someone's precious land like that, but maybe it will lead to more communication about gardening in the future. So, I will be starting seeds on my balcony instead and looking for some land later.


And I'm still on the WWOOF mission. I'm trying to gather information about alternative farming communities in Korea and so far I've come across just a few resources, for example: here. There seems to be a Natural Farming movement/practice here, which correlates with Fukuoka, whom I learned about in Greece. Despite learning and absorbing a lot of information and some hands-on experience, I'm still a beginner gardener and feel sort of guilty about that. Why is it taking me so long to get the initiative to do something as simple as planting leafy greens on my balcony? I remember how nice it was to grow my red pepper alongside my roommates' plants in Boston summer '09, but after that, I can't say I've done too much in the way of independent gardening. I'm changing that now too. I intend to be a full-fledged grower within the next few years. Passion must become action.

So, finally, I have a whole lot of different interests that require commitment to fully take root. It's up to each person to decide which activities will take priority. And not to beat herself up about what doesn't get done. It's only one life, after all.

Alive on Two Wheels & What Is Identity Part II

Before

After

Ahem. Ah, yes. The bike has arrived, within 2 days. The picture of the box would be better if it was  from the school administration office, where it first arrived. If only I had had the money to ride a road beauty like this in the ladies' bike gang in Houston. Or, just in Houston for that matter. I look forward to many good times with this lovely light machine, hopefully it can live up to being the best bike I've ever had. It's definitely big, but I still feel more comfortable than ever on it.

Today, despite my own deep ambivalence towards new technologies that disconnect us from each other, I decided to try out a cell phone photo project in class. You wouldn't know this was a relatively low-income region from the fact that just about all of my high schoolers have smart phones, nicer than anything I've ever had. Conspicuous consumption, or something. Anyway, I'm instructing a few of my higher level classes to collect a few cell phone pictures to put into slideshows, for which they will write and present descriptions. I'm taking this teaching thing way too seriously, it seems. Trying to be worth my salt, I guess.

OK, so what does this have to do with identity? My thoughts always sound better in my head than on the page. I live in a constant state of internal stress and creation of drama where none exists. If I can boil it down, it's stress about wanting to be the right person, all the time, in every situation. Impossible, of course. And because I can't focus enough to get it right at least once, I almost never feel like the right person. So creating drama helps to give imaginary meaning to a life that seems "not right" on its own, just as it is. The quest for deeper meaning : maybe that is my identity. The amount of pressure I put on myself to make life meaningful is only rivaled by the pressure I put on others. No wonder people, even close ones, soon grow tired of me.

If someone were to treat me the same way, I would go insane. But in fact, I have come very close to that edge a number of times over the past year. I've lost count of the relationships or mere casual acquaintances I have sacrificed to my unbending, unreal quest. Each time it happens, I am acutely aware and it hurts. It's former roommates, lovers, family members, people I've come across on the road. I can even pinpoint, in retrospect, at which moments my behavior became an annoyance. The problem is, so far I've lacked the ability to stop my heavy searching in its tracks before it runs over everything like an unwieldy freight train.

So as I seem to repeat like a broken record, Korea is the chance to change this fundamental part of my identity. How can the quest for meaning be used to harness positive energy?

I will update as I look for the answers.

Money & Appearance

Jeongseon Station at sunset
A peaceful spot on the Jeongseon "Sky Walk"

Pictures stand in contrast to topic.

According to one of my Korean coteachers, a vegan and very alternative-minded woman, this is all that many people care about in modern Korea. Money and appearance. Even some of our high school students, she says, dream about nothing but making a killing one day. A fellow teacher in a nearby town says she notices a lot of mixed-race students at her elementary school. This is because, despite a lot of racism and xenophobia towards even other "darker" Asians, a growing number of Korean men look for wives in Southeast Asia. Though complicated, the trend stems partially from the fact that many Korean women wouldn't be caught dead marrying a poor man, especially poor farmers in our supposedly redneck Gangwon province, so some men have little choice.

Money and appearance. Two values generally associated with Western capitalist culture. When it comes to money, South Korea has literally catapulted from near-poverty to great wealth and rapid innovation within the last 30 years. The social changes have been just as rapid and hard to grasp. Co-teach agreed with my observation that the shift to extreme materialism is fast and frightening. In many ways, this country is surpassing the U.S. and other highly developed places in modern advances. Yet, at the social level, the general rules seem to be stuck in something akin to conservative 1950s America - or rather, traditional Korea. Understandably, even younger-generation Koreans haven't quite figured out how, why, or if to make the transition to a modern society, whatever that even means. It seems that "progress" without the nuanced cultural filter of the West amounts to a pure obsession with looks and possessions.

Regarding appearance, this is one of the few countries where employers seem to care more about how you look in your resume photo - a non-existent requirement in the U.S. - than what your references say about you. If they're near a mirror, Korean females and males alike will have a thorough touch-up. Despite more lax rules for foreigners, it does make you feel self-conscious sometimes. I shouldn't care at all, because the people I get along with most - like the alternative coteacher - care about my character more than anything. Seriously, though, I thought that the U.S. was the height of unhealthy beauty standards. But in South Korea, plastic surgery is common, acceptable and encouraged, even among teens. One of my high school students got the "double eyelid" procedure as a gift over winter break. An interesting discussion of plastic surgery and body image in Korea, from another foreign teacher's perspective, can be found here. I could go on and on about similar reflections, but since I'm not a part of this culture, I only know things from second-hand sources, reading and observing. Reading too many K-blogs during my free time at school, that's for sure.

 In other news...

... it's the 3rd day of April and this is the heaviest snowstorm I've seen since I've come to Korea.  Hoping against hope that this is Mother Nature's last winter scream before ascending into lush green beauty. I did throw a snowball at some kids, though, so it can be good for something.

I'm coming down with something and it's put a strain on my mood as well. To cure the persisting - though not delibitating - winter and "homesick" blues, I've really taken to Taekwondo, online yoga and I just ordered an awesome-looking new bike from online shopping paradise GMarket.

Today in class, I had a particularly funny moment. Since coteacher helped propel me into the Korean 21st century with an inexpensive new smart phone, I decided to plan my lessons around cell phones this week. So I was working on a "scramble" where the students had to listen to eight lines of dialogue, each assigned with a digit from my phone number. The goal was to see who would be the first person to call me, but instead of a student, the first call I got was a telemarketer! I didn't realize this until it became awkwardly apparent that it wasn't one of the students.  (Seriously, Korea, what's up with the mass marketing through texts, calls, Cool Messenger (school IM) pop-ups and everything.)

Solitude, the 11th Commandment

More coal mining history, Sabuk Station

This weekend sort of came and went, without much interaction. I was feeling especially sick and tired, but also restless so despite the annoying wind, I took a solo trek out to Jeongseon. Originally meaning to meet up with a teacher and check out the bike shop, I ended up climbing a part of the Sky Walk, a mini hike up a part of Mt. Gariwang. I was seeking peace and there weren't that many hikers on my trail, but on the train ride back, there was a whole post-hiking party partying it away. Koreans take their outdoor sports seriously, dressing to the nines and soju-ing it up for the occasion. When I get around to doing a real hike in nicer weather, I'll have to document.

Almost the same view from my balcony window, within 2 days.